Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
