No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
