just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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