here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
