There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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