So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
