Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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