oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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