I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
