dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
