My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm too high and old for this...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
