i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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