dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
