i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
