woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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