I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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