insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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