Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
