he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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