its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Acid is not a monday night drug
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you had me at cake vodka
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
