My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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