we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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