Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
