this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
