I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
