what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
