Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
