our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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