I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
