Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
