i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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