I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
