if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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