My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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