My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
