Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
When did angry sex become our thing?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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