After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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