I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
