suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
