I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
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