I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
