In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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