dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
there is glitter all over my balls
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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