Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
look no pants
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
