quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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