You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
