Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
