You really coming over, don't trick.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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