Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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