i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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