I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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