i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
