I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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